Fondly Regard Halloween
by Acey Arisen
Summary: Dave and Rose educate the meteor crew on the human holiday known as Halloween.


turntechGodhead [TG] opened memo on board rainbow rumpus spookytown.

TG: so my hella rad time powers are informing me that the date back on earth would be october 31st if the world hadnt gotten fucked up the ass by meteors

TG: so trolls

TG: rose and i are gonna explain you a thing

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.

TT: I don't recall agreeing to this, but I'll humor you.

TG: why wouldnt you agree to this i thought you were ALL ABOUT creepy bullshit

TG: and talking peoples ears off

TG: like those two things are basically your biggest talents

TT: Nice flattery.

TT: My quote-unquote "hella rad" Light powers have led me to the conclusion that you intend to teach the trolls about All Hallow's Eve, better known as Halloween?

TT: Are you sure that's a good idea?

TT: Also, by "Light powers" I mean "knowledge of what date Halloween falls on".

TG: yeah i figured that was more snarky horseshit

TG: and are you kidding its a fucking awesome idea

TG: i just wish aradia was here shed be fucking pissing herself over this shit

TG: just huge amounts of troll urine flooding the meteor

TT: I'm going to stop you right there, before you begin writing a watersports fanfic about one of our acquaintances.

TT: Ironic or otherwise, that would just be weird.

TT: And not because of the fetish, either.

TG: oh come on like you havent done the same

TT: Hm, I see my secret is out. Very well.

TT: It seems you found my secret journals, then. Tell me, do you think I portrayed Karkat's impotent rage accurately?

TG: idk i was more focused on the fact that you wrote about him banging me

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

CG: WAIT WHAT.

TT: If you'd like, Karkat, I could send you a copy.

CG: THAT IS LITERALLY THE LAST THING I WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE IN MY ENTIRE MISERABLE LIFE.

gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.

GC: C4N 1 H4V3 4 COPY?

TG: no

CG: NO.

TT: Yes.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

GA: Rose While Your Story Sounds Very Intriguing I Must Confess To Finding This Halloween Thing More Interesting

CG: OKAY YES, LET'S PLEASE ALL LISTEN TO KANAYA.

CG: TALK ABOUT YOUR RIDICULOUS EARTH HOLIDAY.

CG: ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS.

GC: W3 C4N 4LW4YS T4LK 4BOUT ROS3S F4NF1C L4T3R ;]

CG: NO WE CAN'T.

TT: Technically, we can, in the sense that it's possible to do so.

TT: "Can't" and "shouldn't" aren't always the same.

TG: what are you

TG: rose the language queen

TT: Yes.

TG: okay so enough bullshit about roses fanfiction

TG: lets get down to business

TG: to talk about halloween

terminallyCapricious [TC] responded to memo.

TC: what the motherfuck are you bitches all up and talking about?

TG: oh wow the shitty clown is back

TG: thought you died somehow

TG: since youre like never around ever

TG: and since i guess kanaya wanted you dead or something?

GA: Can We Not Talk About That

TC: WHY YOU GOTTA SAY THAT, SIS?

TC: i'd like to hear more.

GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R 4SSHOL3

GC banned TC from responding to memo.

CG: UM.

CG: WOW.

CG: TEREZI, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

GC: TH4TS NOT 1MPORT4NT! :[

GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO L34RN TH3 S3CR3TS OF TH1S HOL1D4Y W1THOUT D34LING W1TH G4MZ33S L4M3 CLOWN BULLSH1T

TG: i accept this explanation without question okay lets just begin already

TT: Yes, let's. Shall we begin with a bit of history?

TG: no

TG: no we shant

TT: Too late. I already have the Wikipedia article open.  
>TT: Where doing this, man.<p>

TT: Where making this hapen.

TG: goddammit lalonde

TG: you and your ability to make me agree to your conksuck plans

TG: by quoting my comic and thus inflating my already massive ego

TG: not that i shouldnt have a massive ego cause im fuckin great

TG: but still

TG: damn

TT: Anyway.

TT: Halloween is believed to have originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, which is pronounced "SOW-in".

CG: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET "SOW-IN" OUT OF "SAMHAIN".

CG: THAT'S FUCKING STUPID.

TT: Believe it or not, Karkat, there are thousands of languages spoken by humans.

TT: Or were, I suppose.

TT: In this case, Samhain was a term used in Irish Gaelic, where it was originally used to refer to the month of November.

TT: Technically, October 31st-the date we recognize as Halloween-was referred to as Oíche Shamhna (pronounced EE-hyeh HOW-nuh), the eve of Samhain.

TG: god DAMN rose

TG: why do you even know all this weird history shit

TT: Knowing things is fun.

TT: You should try it sometime.

TG: that burns lalonde

TG: that burns

TG: also i thought you didnt want to do this?

TT: I've come to accept it.

TT: And any opportunity to show off the pointless shit I know is an opportunity I will seize.

TT: Granted, said shit was less pointless when Earth still existed. But I digress.

TG: yeah lets digress away from this boring historical crap

GA: I Thought It Was Rather Interesting Actually

CG: YEAH, IT ALMOST MAKES ME HAVE SOME SORT OF BEGRUDGING RESPECT FOR YOUR RACE.

CG: I MEAN, KNOWING THAT YOU ACTUALLY HAD CULTURE.

CG: AND THAT YOU WEREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES WHO SAT AT THEIR COMPUTERS ALL DAY WHILE FONDLING THEIR GENITALS.

GC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T

GC: TH4TS B4S1C4LLY 4LL YOU 3V3R D1D B4CK ON 4LT3RN1A

GC: STOP B31NG SO HYPOCR1T1CAL :/

CG: NO, THAT'S BASICALLY ALL THAT *SOLLUX* DID.

CG: I WAS A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF TROLL SOCIETY.

GC: 4H4H4H4

GC: 1 FORGOT HOW H1L4R1OUS YOU COULD B3 :]

CG: STFU.

GA: Could You Two Stop Arguing For A Bit

GA: Im Rather Interested In What Rose And Dave Have To Say

GA: This Whole Halloween Thing Is

GA: Intriguing

TG: yeah halloween is great

TG: okay so since rose wont shut up about history and language and shit im gonna take over for a bit

TG: basically halloween is when you dress up and ask strangers for candy and miraculously dont get kidnapped

TG: you know all that shit about not taking candy from strangers

TG: yeah halloween is all fuck that shit

TG: take all the goddamn candy you want aint no one gonna bitch about it

TG: okay except maybe pat robertson or whoever but hes dumb so we dont talk about him

GA: Who

TG: explaining who pat robertson is would take forever okay

TG: so i will just put it really succinctly

TG: hes dumb

TT: Dave.

TT: We did not come here to discuss politics.

TT: It's Halloween, motherfuckers.

TG: wow rose youre really pumped about this suddenly

TG: from this is a bad idea to lets do this shit in like ten minutes flat

TG: im impressed and confused

CG: OH MY GOD. CAN WE GET THIS FUCKING CULTURAL EXCHANGE TO ACTUALLY *START* ALREADY?

TG: sure why not

TG: okay so on halloween you dress up all spooky

TG: or all sexy if youre a beautiful wonan

TG: seriously they have sexy costumes for everything and its beautiful

TG: sexy nurse sexy prisoner sexy mouse sexy corn cob

TG: those are all real costumes fyi

TG: shit gives me the weirdest boner like im gonna fuck that ear of corn

TG: but dave why are you going to fuck the corn

TG: because the corn has great tits duh

GC: D4V3 PL34S3

GC: DONT FUCK TH3 CORN :[

TG: chill tz im not actually gonna fuck the corn

TG: i mean i might fuck you if you dressed as an ear of corn?

TG: even though you dont really have tits so my comment about the corns great tits is inaccurate

CG: DAVE STRIDER, YOU STOP MOCKING TEREZI'S SHAMEFUL LACK OF RUMBLE SPHERES THIS GODDAMN INSTANT OR SO HELP ME I WILL CHOP YOUR BULGE OFF AND USE IT AS A PUPPET.

TG: oh god

TG: why did it have to be puppets

GA: I Am Extremely Confused

GA: How Did This Turn Into A Conversation About Engaging In Questionably Appropriate Acts With Corn

GA: And Terezi Your Rumble Spheres Are Fine I Assure You

GC: OH K4N4Y4, YOU 4R3 TOO K1ND!

GA: You Could Probably Use A Better Bra Though

GA: I Could Organize A Fitting If You So Wished

GA: Rose You Can Come Too It Can Be A Girls Night In

TT: As much as I'd like that, wouldn't it be a bit...awkward?

TT: Having me watch my girlfriend fitting a mutual friend for a better brassiere, I mean.

GA: Oh

GA: I Suppose That Is A Valid Point Yes

TT: Anyway, breasts aside, Dave is correct. Costumes are an important part of Halloween.

TT: Maybe the most important part in recent times, inasmuch as October of 2008 could qualify as "recent".

TG: oh wow yeah

TG: that was pretty great i dressed up as princess belle and performed a rap about how fucking awesome books are

TG: its on youtube i think

TT: It is. You showed me back when it happened.

GA: What Were You Rose

TT: I was Princess Berryboo, from the old Squiddles show.

TG: wait seriously

TG: i thought you were some eldritch abomination from beyond the stars

TT: I did take a few liberties with the design.

TG: you know come to think of it does anyone who has ever existed even know what the word eldritch means

TG: id think you made it up but ive seen other pretentious bookworms using it so idk

TT: "Eldritch" means, roughly, "unearthly and weird".

TG: does that mean were hanging out with a bunch of eldritch abominations then

TT: I suppose one could argue that, yes.

TG: haha thats actually kind of awesome

TT: Anyway, I do believe our audience is growing bored of our reminiscing.

CG: FINALLY, YOU NOTICED!

TT: I guess part of the issue is that neither of us actually prepared notes or anything.

TT: I've honestly no clue what to mention next.

TG: okay cool ill tell them instead

TG: halloween is also about scaring the shit out of people

TG: with like

TG: skulls and ghosts and shit

TG: its all very spooky you see

TG: probably to symbolize how the barrier between the living and the dead is fucking shit on halloween for some reason

TT: …

TT: I'm actually kind of impressed with the fact that you're basically right about that.

TT: Kudos.

TG: thanks

TG: also we do shit like playing games and watching scary movies and carving faces into pumpkins

TG: and trick or treating

TG: which as i said is when you beg for candy and people are required to give it to you

TG: if they dont youre allowed to egg their house thats the rule

TT: That's not a Halloween tradition.

TG: it was in my household

TG: one time we used hard-boiled eggs and broke a window

TT: Somehow none of this surprises me.

CG: ALRIGHT, ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT HUMAN CUSTOMS IS GENUINELY FASCINATING, I WILL BEGRUDGINGLY ADMIT THIS.

CG: AND...I HAVE A FEW HORROR MOVIES IN MY COLLECTION.

CG: MAYBE WE COULD WATCH THOSE.

GC: K4RK4T…

GC: YOU 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 GOOD 1D34 FOR ONC3 :0

GC: 1 S3COND TH1S MOT1ON!

GC: 1 3V3N H4V3 4 COSTUM3 1 C4N US3

TT: That would be fun.

TT: Kanaya, surely you have a few films about rainbow drinkers, correct?

TT: Those would be perfect for Halloween.

GA: My Cache Of Rainbow Drinker Films Is Quite Impressively Large Yes

GA: I Rather Like The One You Said Was And I Quote A Troll Version Of Human Twilight

GA: Okay Maybe You Didnt Say Human Twilight But Still

GA: I Am Not Sure It Would Be Sufficiently Scary Though

TG: trust me it will

TT: So it's settled.

TT: We'll have a little Halloween party.

TT: Maybe we can talk more about the holiday there.

TG: i dunno i think weve covered everything

TT: Really, we've only scratched the surface.

TG: oh hey

TG: know what would be really horrifying

TT: What?

TG: you could bring one of your journals

TG: storytime with rose lalonde

CG: NO.

CG: WE ARE NOT DOING THAT.

TT: On the contrary, I rather like Dave's idea.

TT: Even though it was pretty transparently a dig at me and not an actual suggestion.

TG: are you kidding this is gonna be great

TT: I'll bring the one about you and Karkat, I think.

TG: never mind im backing out of this

TT: Too late.

TT: Okay, everyone, meet me in the main lab in an hour.

TT: It's gonna be one hell of a party.

TG: yeah

TG: hell is right

TG: i guess this memo is more or less useless now though so im outie

TG: seeya on the flip side nerds

TG closed memo.


End file.
